Sex & Vice » The Sexorcist

Was Tiger Woods’ biggest mistake his cheating — or his cheating poorly?

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Dear Sexorcist:

I’m tired of forgiving Christians and feminist doormats joining together in support of Tiger Woods’ return to golf. How about taking a nine-iron to his career, Elin? Hold a press conference and publicly ask the Masters not to let him play. Embarrass the fuck out of him (like he did to you), interfere with his ability to make money (like he interfered with your ability to raise the kids) and make every man who ever thought of cheating quake in his boots. If there were more consequences to cheating, men would never do it.

— Pissed Off

Dear Pissed Off:

Bullshit. Old Testament laws called for death if you committed adultery and it didn’t stop a single man from chasing skirt.

Before you go on with your hell-hath-no-fury diatribe, consider this:

A) Tiger Woods was in an open marriage.

Women who marry rich, powerful men know what they’re in for. They’re attracted to rule-breaking leaders. They know that other women will rain on their husbands like confetti. They know their husbands think monogamy is an eight-letter word for monotony. So they make spoken or unspoken “arrangements.”

The fireworks started when Woods broke the two cardinal rules of open relationships: 1) Do not humiliate me, and 2) do not endanger the relationship. Tiger did both. So did Marc Sanford and John Edwards. And it is for these reasons, not the sex, that they should get what’s coming to them.

When you take respect and dignity out of a relationship — monogamous or not — you deserve ridicule. Like Gatorade dropping Tiger because of their slogan (“Is it in you?”). Or the gallery at the Masters wondering how Tiger keeps track of the holes he’s playing. You breaks the rules, you pays the price.

B) Most men secretly dream of Tiger’s sex life.

Nobody says it out loud because he’d end up sleeping on the couch. Ladies, forget about getting the truth out of us. We’re not that dumb. Do not kid yourselves. In one way or another, we are all Tiger Woulds.

While nonstop nookie is every man’s dream, so is security and stability. That’s why so much of the male shock to Tiger’s lunacy centers on the destruction of his family. We hate Woods’ hypocrisy, his sloppiness, the humiliation he delivered to his wife, Elin, the endangerment to the emotional stability of his children, and the nurturing environment that advanced his greatness on the greens.

So, here’s the problem: Women, in general, do not believe it's possible to be in a deeply loving, committed relationship and still have sex with other people. Men, in general, do. And that sets up a ginormous fault line with unpredictable earthquakes.

But instead of managing the fault line and minimizing its damage, we blame it for being there. Or pretend it doesn’t exist. The one thing we don’t do is manage it. And you want to know what happens when you don’t manage a fault line? Haiti. Death toll: 300,000. Want to know what happens when you do? Chile. Death toll: 700.

Your relationship isn’t going to die from the natural fault line. It’s the collapsing bimbos that’ll do you in. Chile had earthquake-proof buildings. Tiger’s marriage did not. Or rather it did, until he started using cheap materials.

The Tiger Woods Masters saga could be a catalyst for a mature discussion of sexuality and love, but because of people like you, it’s just a rehash of the tired woman-scorned melodrama.

I’m no fan of Tiger Woods, but I’m even less of a fan of marriages torn apart simply because somebody in the relationship couldn’t manage extracurricular sex in a responsible way. Personally, I applaud Tiger Woods’ open marriage. But, because of the way he conducted it, I hope he gets ridiculed at the Masters. I hope he hits a tree and a bunch of women fall out of it.

Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at sexorcist@creativeloafing.com. Midtown resident Mike Alvear hosts HBO’s “The Sex Inspectors,” blogs at mikealvear.com and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie.

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