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Train your trunk to fit his junk

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I've had safe, gentle and consensual anal intercourse a handful of times, but experienced minor anal incontinence for anywhere from 48 hours to seven days after each encounter. (Nothing major, just a bitch changing panties three times a day!) My new boyfriend has indicated he would like to do me anally on a regular basis. My question: Will my body eventually get used to the penetration, causing the incontinence to abate? Or will it worsen over time? I've tried researching this on the Web but, as you can imagine, I just get a flood of porn.

— Back Door Gal

Dear Back Door,

There's no way your underwear should look like it's been shot with a gravy gun.

Anal sex doesn't cause incontinence unless you're doing it roughly with a guy whose cargo doesn't fit the port. Which brings me to my first question: Who's been banging on your back door — Frankencock? Let's do a little background on backyard play. The sphincter and anal canal are remarkably elastic. Doctors can dilate them so much during surgery they can literally stick their hands up your ass and make your mouth move.

Well, I don't know about the mouth part, but your butthole is like a rubber band. It springs back to its original position unless you stretch it past its ability to rebound. Nobody knows where the sphincter's rebound point is, but, trust me, go past it and the only fudge you'll be packing is at the bakery.

So how do you enjoy a diaper-free future? By "training" the elasticity of your sphincter muscles. Before you go to "fifth base" (anal sex) with a guy, train your port to receive the cargo. Practice pain-free insertion with dildos by inserting them to the point it gets uncomfortable, back off, hold it, and when it's comfortable then push further. Then graduate to bigger and bigger toys.

But again, be careful. That burning sensation you get when you're receiving down there? It's blood rushing to the area or the lining of your anus being torn.

If you're used to guys in the 6- to 7-inch range and you find a 10-inch specimen, DON'T let him do you. That's what prison's for. In the outside world, DIY it by building up to a 10-inch toy. Remember, practice makes perfect — without perforations.

Another must is a lot of lube. Did I mention a lot? Because I meant A LOT.

Lube eases penetration and minimizes abrasions caused by skin-to-skin friction. When it comes to lube, too much is never enough.

Exercising the pelvic floor muscles is the most important thing you can do to regain elasticity. But really, you don't want to regain it; you want to keep it from ever leaving. I'll talk about specific exercises later — not because I'm lazy (actually, I'm doing them now as I type!), but because, and here's the thing, you have a different problem.

Anal sex isn't causing your panty stains. You probably have a condition called bowel incontinence, which affects almost six million Americans. Both men (believe it or not, mostly heterosexual) and women are affected by it, though it's more common in women because of injuries to the anal muscles or nerves that can occur during childbirth.

Bowel or "fecal incontinence" (OMG, did I just type that?) is the loss of voluntary control of bowel movements. It can vary from being partial — where you lose a small amount of liquid waste (OMG, did I just type THAT?) — to complete, where virtual bowel boulders can't be controlled.

Bowel incontinence is rarely caused by anal sex. Culprits include damage or injury to the anal sphincter muscles or the nerves surrounding them, certain medications, improper diet, radiation treatment, chemo, stroke, diabetes and, of course, doctors sticking their hands up your ass and making your mouth move.

Here's my advice: Go to your doctor. There are pain-free, outpatient tests that can determine the cause (and the cure) of your incontinence. Just keep his hands out of your rear.

Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at sexorcist@creativeloafing.com. Mike Alvear is the author of The Flirty Text Message Helper: Witty Texts For Clever People and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie.

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