DJs love it when you request songs! ... No, they don't. In fact, they despise it because it happens so much. They're probably not playing that new Fergie song for a good reason. So request away, but if you do, Drennen Quinn -- who DJs Saturday nights at 97 Estoria -- has five ready-made ways to shut you down.
1) Be frank: "Songs are short and you don't have a lot of time to feign interest in some chatty chud at the bar. Just cut them off if you have to: 'Can you play Madonna?' 'What?' 'Madon--' 'Look, I can't hear you.'"
2) Placate, placate, placate: "Tell them it's 'coming right up,' even if it's not. After the second or third time approaching the bench (they will be back), tell the chud you played it already and that he must've missed it. Maybe next week, chud."
3) The blank stare: "When chuds request something really common (Michael Jackson, Justin Timberlake); look at them confused and ask, 'Who?,' 'What's that?,' or, 'I don't know that song.' While the chud responds, look down until they walk away. Be patient."
4) Did you fart?: "Ignoring the chud's stupid request, look disgusted and ask, 'Did you just fart?'"
5) No: "The second their stupid request escapes their stupid lips, respond with a short 'no.' Simple and sweet."