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The Totally Non-Denominational Winter Holiday Spectacular

Celebrate with a prototypically dysfunctional bunch

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This year we celebrate the winter holiday season with a prototypically dysfunctional 21st-century family. We join them as they come together in forced merriment and feigned good cheer to observe their holiday traditions. Watch how they rejoice in their disparate personality traits, their political differences, their opposing religious beliefs, their conflicting tastes in music, their myriad food aversions and their spotty hygiene habits.

Witness how they put their petty grievances aside long enough to rummage through the re-gift closet to find each other a present. Look at them drink too much at the office party and call in sick the next day.

And when the big day finally arrives, see Mom in the kitchen prepare the big feast. Observe Grandma as she slips some weed into the herb dressing. Watch Dad have phone sex with his Mistress. See Sis sulk.

Ah! These are the things holiday memories are made of!

Throughout CL's Totally Non-Denominational Winter Holiday Spectacular, look for our family members' shiny, happy heads to indicate which events and gifts are appropriate for them or people like them, because, after all, they are us.

Grandma: A dope-smoking, tequila-drinking, ethnically ambiguous feminist who really was at Woodstock. She likes to regale the family with stories about the time she snuck backstage at a Who concert and wiped Keith Moon's brow as he puked in a garbage can.

Dad: A curmudgeonly SUV-driving, Republican-voting, golf-playing, cigar-smoking sports fan who de-stresses on the john with the USA Today sports section in one hand and glass of scotch, neat, in the other.

Big Brother: Hip-hop-loving technophile who once spent a week trying to find the iPod he'd pocketed in his elephant-leg cargo pants.

Uncle: Dad's gay brother, a club-hopping, Jessica Simpson-loving gym rat who'd rather lose a limb than live OTP.

Mom: A conservative, hyper-domestic super mom whose crowning achievement at last year's holiday meal was the tabletop centerpiece she created out of tampon applicators, glitter glue and dryer lint.

Mom: A conservative, hyper-domestic super mom whose crowning achievement at last year's holiday meal was the tabletop centerpiece she created out of tampon applicators, glitter glue and dryer lint.

Dad's Mistress: Surgically enhanced, Fendi bag-carrying party gal who met Dad on match.com. Her fake tan gives her a festive orange glow, and her nails could rip out a man's tongue.

Sister: An outdoorsy vegan garage rocker into body modification. If you've ever heard of the band, she wouldn't be caught dead listening to it.

Little Brother: Your basic little kid, just don't leave a pack of matches lying around.

Lucky: The three-legged dog.

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