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The elderly edition

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A jittery streak zipped through the geriatrics, senior citizens, and "mature" folks all across Atlanta this week. Like a whistle only dogs can hear, some frequency wired up the elderly and sent them soaring. OK seriously, who tampered with the old folks' Metamucil?

REPEAT OFFENDER: Call it Heartbreak Hotel — or a posh Buckhead senior citizens living center — but an octogenarian Romeo was upset about some harassing phone calls from his ex-lover. An 84-year-old man said his ex-girlfriend called him nine times and he's sick of it. The 84-year-old man told police his ex-girlfriend keeps calling and asking him "to go get her cigarettes and for him to leave his current girlfriend and get back together with her," the officer wrote. The 84-year-old man said that every time she calls, he asks her politely to stop calling this number. While the officer was interviewing him, the ex-girlfriend called again. She was "yelling at him for giving someone else her phone number," the officer noted. The 84-year-old man filed a police report so he could start documenting the harassment from his ex-girlfriend.

ANCIENT & AU NATURAL: On Auburn Avenue, a younger guy was waiting for a MARTA bus when a naked 82-year-old man suddenly zoomed around the corner. The younger man said he tried not to look and just patiently wait for the bus, but the naked man shook his privates at him and other passers-by. Cops arrested the bare-ass old guy for public indecency. The nude man was not empty-handed — he was clutching two empty bottles of Wild Irish Rose wine.

HOME ALONE? An 81-year-old man said he woke up one morning and realized that his license tag was missing from his "homemade" trailer. No clue what his homemade trailer looks like. The 81-year-old man said he lives on the outskirts of West Atlanta and he needs a report to get a replacement tag.

SENIOR BOOM BOOM: Around 5 a.m., neighbors called police about loud music blaring from a house on Howard Street in Mableton. "I knocked on the front door and also at the back door but no one answered," an officer wrote. "I flashed my vehicle spotlight into the open window," but still no response. The cop tried for 40 minutes to contact the homeowner with no luck. Still, music ripped through the neighborhood. So the cop called Atlanta firefighters and a rescue crew, just in case the homeowner was unwell inside. Rescue crews put a ladder against the house and three cops scrambled up to the upstairs patio. "We noticed the patio door was open and we knocked while announcing ourselves as Atlanta police," the officer wrote. No one answered, so the cops went inside. They found an older man "intoxicated, lying in bed sleeping." The officer asked the man why the music was blasting throughout the neighborhood. The man replied that the music wasn't that loud. Police gave him a ticket for violating the noise ordinance. It was 6 a.m. when they left. The neighbors went to work.

AGED & AGITATED: An 83-year-old woman called police and said a 77-year-old man keeps shouting "bitch" at her. A cop showed up to solve the bitch-squabble at a Buckhead senior citizens community. The 77-year-old man said the old lady said nasty things to him, too, but he "refused to elaborate," the officer noted. The cop didn't really know what to do so he just gave them a stern lecture. "Both were warned to stay way from each other."

FRUIT BRUTE: Around 2 a.m., a guy strolled into a convenience store on Spring Street and grabbed a banana. He peeled the banana and gobbled it down inside the store without offering a single penny. The clerk told the man he needed to pay for the banana. Nope, the man replied. He was only going to pay for part of the banana's price. The clerk said, "You need to pay for the whole banana." This went on until someone called the cops. The man told police that he did eat the banana without paying for it, but that was all right because he never left the store.

The man's banana logic didn't fly. He was handcuffed and jailed — for shoplifting a single banana.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.

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