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The Blotter

Bizarre crimes from Atlanta police reports

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DIRECTION UNKNOWN: An officer saw a driver make an illegal turn onto East Paces Ferry Road. "The [car] then pulled into my lane going the wrong way," the officer wrote. He said the car stopped about 10 feet in front of his patrol car, and the female driver got out and flagged him down. The officer asked: "What's the matter?" The woman replied, "I'm lost and I need directions. I know what I did was wrong, but I just saw you and needed your help." The officer wrote, "I asked her where she was going and she started telling me about some story of how she was blamed for something her father did." The officer asked: "Where are you going?" The woman said Atlantic Station. So the officer gave her directions to Atlantic Station. The officer said the woman started to cry and asked whether he could escort her to Atlantic Station. "No, I can't give you an escort and that location is out of my zone," the officer said. The woman allegedly replied, "I am a Clayton County Corrections officer and I have followed directions my whole life and not this time. You can give me a ticket, I don't care." She and the officer struggled. "She was laying on her back with her legs up in the air, kicking me," the officer wrote. So he pepper-sprayed her. She yelled, "It's a motherfucking game!" She was arrested for simple assault and battery.

TOM WANTS TO VISIT: A man said he and his wife went to bed around 10 p.m. Shortly after midnight, he said he heard someone knocking on the guest bedroom door. He asked: "Who's there?" The suspect replied: "It's Tom Foolery." The man said he didn't know Tom Foolery. The suspect replied, "It's me, Tom." The man said he heard the front door close -- and he immediately called police. Officers showed up and searched the area, but couldn't find this Tom Foolery. So police left.

Around 2:30 a.m., the man said someone rang his front doorbell. The man asked: "Who's there?" The suspect repeatedly said: "It's me, Tom – and I'm sorry." The man said "Tom" eventually left in a car. The man walked outside and discovered his house keys were on the doormat. He said he kept these keys in the front console of his Lexus, which was in the garage. He described "Tom" as wearing black pants and a black T-shirt with writing on it. He said he's never seen this "Tom" guy before.

DESPERATELY SEEKING PETER PARKER? An officer said a 36-year-old woman offered to have sex with him in exchange for $20. She allegedly asked for a $1 deposit, as a sign of good faith. The woman, who has missing teeth, was arrested for soliciting sex. At the jail, police itemized her belongings: Her fanny pack contained one Spider-Man glove.

HONEY, PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON: On Simpson Road, a 31-year-old man said his live-in girlfriend walked onto the porch and disrobed. It was about noon. He said he tried to put her clothes back on her, and she started swinging -- and the fight was on. When police arrived, the girlfriend was bleeding from the mouth, and the boyfriend was breathing heavily. The girlfriend, age 26, admitted that she took off her clothes. "His girlfriend appeared to be extremely drunk," police noted. Both the boyfriend and girlfriend went to jail for disturbing the peace.

PLEASE SPEAK DIRECTLY INTO THE PIZZA: According to a police report, two narcotics investigators went to two pizza restaurants "due to intelligence ... about a large protest possibly at one of the locations. During the time investigators were at the locations, no activity other than routine day-to-day business was observed. While conducting surveillance inside [a pizza restaurant on North Decatur Road], $25.04 in city of Atlanta funds were used to purchase lunch and $4.06 for a tip."

DADDY'S GOT A GUN: On Beatie Avenue, a 42-year-old man said he and his father were sitting in the back yard when his father asked him to move an old trailer. The son refused, saying he was tired of moving junk from one corner of the back yard to the other corner. He said he went to his bedroom, and his father followed him and yelled about him being lazy and not working. He said his father told him, "Get the fuck out of my house!" The son replied, "No!" According to the son, the father grabbed a shotgun, said he was loading it, and ran toward him.

The father's story: He said he only picked up the shotgun to scare his son into leaving the house – because the son will not help him around the house, work or pay any bills. He said he never planned to shoot his son and didn't load the shotgun. The father, age 69, was arrested for aggravated assault. Police found the shotgun – it was unloaded.

DRINKIN' WITH DROOPY DRAWERS: On Peachtree Street, an officer said a 28-year-old man was carrying a plastic cup and holding his pants up in his right hand, "but his genitals and butt were exposed because he was not wearing any underwear." The officer said: "Pull up your pants." The man allegedly said "Fuck you, I'm going to fuck you up motherfucker. ... Leave me alone, can I drink something in peace?" He was arrested for indecent exposure.

SOMEONE NEEDS A VALIUM: At a doctor's office on Donald Lee Hollowell Parkway, an employee said she asked a woman to sign in before seeing the doctor -- and the woman started yelling and cursing. She said the woman told her, "That's why people get shot." The woman left before police arrived.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.

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