I recently met a man who is not my type physically, but he's nice and I enjoy talking and spending time with him. We eventually slept together and I was quite satisfied. The problem is that I don't want a serious relationship with him or anyone right now. I want a "friends with benefits" relationship. I've made this clear to him several times and he says he understands, but he's become clingy and possessive. I realize that he likes me more than I like him, but I feel that if I've been completely honest with him and he accepted my terms, then it's his problem, right? I want to have my cake and eat it too because the sex it great. What should I do?
So, a sadist and masochist are in bed. The masochist hands the sadist a whip and says, "Hit me, beat me, hurt me." The sadist grabs the whip, rears back to get a better shot and says, "No!"
Now that's sadism — the kind you're going to be practicing very soon. It's just a matter of time before you have to say "no" to the guy who wants the pleasure of your pain. When the NSA arrangement hits a SNAFU you're SOL. Once somebody sinks his emotional claws in you, he's not going to let go. You're going to have to pry him off, one nail at a time.
He's hanging on, in part, because you've led him to believe you're dating, not just fucking. You say he's strictly a pleasant human dildo who satisfies your urges. Fine. So why do you spend so much time with him? You've been courting a dildo and now you're wondering why the dildo's confused.
Hello! Here's how a true NSA relationship works: no dinner, no talking, no waking up with each other. Now, having some level of emotional attachment in a blow-and-go relationship is unavoidable. After all, it'd be hard to have sex with someone you flat out don't like.
But it's the kind of attachment you'd have with a likeable plumber. You only call when you need him to lay some pipe.
Still, it's almost impossible to have a "friends with benefits" relationship for very long. Somebody starts falling while the other starts distancing. I'd say he pretty much hit the floor and started crawling while you're running backward knocking over furniture. If you want to delay the inevitable (and the end is inevitable), there are a few things you can do.
First, quit dating him. Don't gab on the phone, get together on Saturday nights or spend time with him outside the bedroom. Don't mix dating behavior with sexual activities. It's one thing for him to eat you out; another for him to take you out. It's one thing to get pounded into dough and thrown high like a pizza; it's another to order one and watch a movie together.
Texts, e-mails and calls should have one purpose and one purpose only: to arrange the next session. Don't be mean or cruel. Remember, karma's a bitch and it's always having puppies. Be straightforward but kind in your nonverbal messages.
They should say, "You're a great guy, but sex is all I want from you," not, "You're just a dick and a nut sack to me." There might not be much of a distinction, but wording is everything if ya wanna get whatcha want.
Some may say that you're morally obligated to cut it off, knowing that he's in pain about the situation. I say bullshit. You are not responsible for the disappointment a buyer feels when he sees the shelves are empty.
Second, it's arrogant for you to make up his mind for him. He's a big boy. He knows what's better for him than you do. I say enjoy the ride while it lasts because it ain't going to last much longer.
Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org. Mike Alvear is the author of The Flirty Text Message Helper: Witty Texts For Clever People and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie.