Sex & Vice » The Sexorcist

Should she pick a team before she goes to bat?



Dear Sexorcist:

I’m a 28-year-old woman. About six months ago, my best friend and her boyfriend broke up. I was hanging out with her now ex-boyfriend (there was alcohol involved) and we ended up sleeping together. We both decided that it was a mistake and wouldn’t happen again. Then about a month after that, I was visiting my best friend — the woman — who lives out of town, and I ended up sleeping with HER. We have been best friends for a long time and it was something we had always talked about, but up until that point, we had both always been in other relationships. I never told my friend that I slept with her ex and I have been continuing to sleep with her on a regular basis. All was fine until last week, when I went to go hang out with her ex and we slept together again — this time it was by choice as there was no alcohol involved. I truly care about them both and I don’t want to hurt either one, but I’m really confused. Do I need to pick a team and come clean? Or can I just hold out and see what happens?

— Confused

Dear Confused,

OK, let me fiddle with the contrast button here: You, a woman, are sleeping with your female best friend AND her ex-boyfriend? I’m jealous. I always wanted to be the sort that could reach into somebody’s pants and be satisfied with whatever’s in there.

No, I don’t think you should “pick a team.” Why should you? Or more precisely, how could you? Sexuality isn’t something you pick; it picks you. And you either find a way to make it work to lead a fulfilling life, or you try to artificially “pick” and end up being unfair to yourself and everybody you date, shag or marry.

We like to think we’re in control of our desires, but we’re not. Not really. We confuse the management of our feelings with the power to generate them. This doesn’t just apply to our sexuality but to most things. Think you control what foods you like? Try not liking pizza. Think you control your feelings for people? Try hating your kid.

In fact, if you think you control anything internal in your life, try doing the opposite. Love rap? Give up Jay-Z for Miley Cyrus.

Check mate.

You can’t control your feelings but you can manage the behavior that comes out of them. So forget about picking a team and concentrate on managing the people on the rosters.

That means coming clean to your BFF. Silence in the face of this kind of awkwardness is disrespectful to her and your friendship (to say nothing of your budding relationship).

Enough time has gone by since their breakup to absolve you of poaching and you’ve only bi-boinked the ex-boyfriend twice. Saying something now makes you look like what you are — confused and trying to work things out. Waiting until you’ve done it a dozen times makes you look cruel and manipulative. Strike now before you cross the line.

Besides, if you don’t talk, how will you ever get what you really want — a three-way?

As for him, you owe him nothing. At least until things settle with your BFF. Potentially explosive information should not be shared unless the withholding of it creates real damage to either party. Tricking with somebody twice doesn’t obligate you to disclose sensitive information.

The real issue for you isn’t what to do now as much as it is going forward. The ability to enjoy both sexes aesthetically, emotionally and sexually is a gift not many people get. Don’t do the bisexual backfire and scare yourself into one gender. If both men and women fill your heels with helium, then honor the law of sexual buoyancy and find a way to make it workable.

Got a burning or why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at Midtown resident Mike Alvear hosts HBO’s “The Sex Inspectors,” blogs at and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie.

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