Sex & Vice » The Sexorcist

She's dating a great guy all around – except for his size

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Dear Sexorcist:

I’ve been dating a great guy I really like, except for one small thing: his penis. Sometimes the condom slips off him; other times, he slips off me! It’s hard for me to get turned on, which leads to sometimes not being able to orgasm. My friends tell me I should be honest and open about it and tell him so we can work this out. But how do you tell a guy his penis is too small without scarring him for life? I don’t think of myself as superficial, but what else could I be if I’m thinking of breaking up with a great guy because his equipment is too small? Help!

— Confused in Candler Park

Dear Confused:

Oh, yes, by all means tell him. Start the conversation off by watching porn together and yelling, “Now THAT’S a cock!”

Listen, there’s a fine line between honesty and cruelty. Imagine your boyfriend sitting you down and saying, “Honey, you’re a fantastic woman except your breasts aren’t big enough and your vagina looks like a wizard’s sleeve.”

Capiche? Good. That said, you are perfectly within your rights to end the relationship on grounds of sexual incompatibility.

HOWEVER.

There’s a lot of space between your door and the curb you want to kick him to. Can you honestly say you’ve tried everything to make it work?

For instance, you could get a whole new perspective on the size of his prize by having anal sex. Trust me, you’ll be calling him Frankencock in no time.

There are also “small penis positions” proven to make his Mini Cooper feel like an Escalade. Most of these combine angles for deeper penetration, greater friction and manual access to the clitoris. You know, the kind of positions you get in after the fourth martini at Halo. For example, the Doggie: Create a steep pelvic tilt by putting your face and shoulders on a pillow with your bottom raised in the air, your back arched and thighs held together. For more details, click here.

The most obvious solution is to find new avenues of pleasure that don’t require a guy whose penis is so big it’s in the next room making you drinks. For that, train your boyfriend to be your idea of a good lover, not his. He needs to play the “Like” game with his hands and tongue. As in, “Do you like it like this, or like that?” That’s when you can say, “Actually, I like it with THESE.” And then bring out one or more of these top-selling adult toys (according to the world’s largest online retailer):

  • Rotating G-spot Rabbit Vibrator
  • Clitoral Vibe
  • The Venus Butterfly
  • G-Gasm Delight G-Spot Vibrator
  • Super Head Honcho Masturbator

If your tastes run more to the type of toys developed at NASA, check out Scott Henry’s roundup in the Loaf.

If these gadgets don’t put the “oooh” in your orgasms, nothing will. Your boyfriend won’t mind them. Once he sees how they shoot you to the moon, he’ll insist on being the co-pilot.

Don’t forget that the most powerful sexual organ is between your ears, not your legs. There’s nothing wrong with fantasizing that your boyfriend is a movie star with a schlong the size of the Florida Panhandle.

You can also use role-play as a way of experiencing the emotional appeal of a large tool. Apart from the obvious physical sensations, big-dick worship is essentially a submission to power. You can re-create that psychological dimension by placing yourself in submissive roles — like being tied up.

Look, you don’t have the power to change the size of your boyfriend’s penis; only the power to change how you think about it and the type of sex you have. Ultimately, sex is not about what a man has or what he does. It’s about where he takes you.

Midtown resident Mike Alvear hosts HBO’s The Sex Inspectors, blogs at mikealvear.com and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie.

Got a burning or why-is-it-burning question about your sex life?  email The Sexorcist at sexorcist@creativeloafing.com

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