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She wants sex while Aunt Flow is in town

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Dear Sexorcist:

How do I tell my boyfriend I want to have sex during my period? It’s early in our relationship and I feel kinda funny about asking, especially because he’s so prim and proper. Plus, I’ve never had sex while I was menstruating, so I’m not sure about the logistics, if you know what I mean. Help!

– Baffled in Buckhead

Dear Baffled:

I’d start out by saying, “You look a little anemic. How about some iron?”

Listen, the difference between conquest and seduction is salesmanship, so pretend you’re selling him a joyride in a stolen car. You know, the one with the leaky oil pan.

It’s a joyride a lot of men like to take, over and over. Between the additional lubrication and the pelvic congestion, everything is warmer, wetter and wilder. In fact, too wild. It feels so good a lot of men turn into Two Pump Chumps.

Still, sex during menstruation can make a man’s blood run cold. Diplomacy is key. Saying, “You can swim in the lake but you can’t drink the water” will be a lot more effective with a shy boyfriend than, “I want you to fuck the blood out of me.”

But really, you don’t need words. Give him a Category 5 blowjob and he’ll be begging you to let him pull the tampon out. Seriously, go in like you’re taking a scuba lesson and his objections will trickle away. It’s called the Bridge Technique. You get him hot and bothered with one sex act and “bridge” the objections into the next one.

Don’t leave anything to chance, though. Be prepared. Here’s my list:

Drink! You don’t want his inhibitions within three blocks of your tampon. Try making Grant Henry’s famous Bloody Mary. Here’s the recipe he uses at The Local: Mix two different BBQ sauces (he won’t tell me which ones, the bastard) with Whiskey Willy’s Bloody Mary Mix, an olive and some pepper. True, it’ll look exactly like what your boyfriend’s trying to avoid, but hey. If Grant’s concoction is powerful enough make the gay guys say, “Screw it, let’s hit on the straight boys,” then it’s powerful enough to get your boyfriend to say, “Screw it, I’ll tap that.”

Use a diaphragm or cervical cup. The biggest fear most men have is that there’ll be so much blood they’ll have to cordon off the bed with yellow crime scene tape. So try using either of these barriers to slow the flow.

Prepare the bed. Again, you don’t want your sheets looking like the lead story on the 11 o’clock news, so have dark towels and sheets ready.

Buy condoms. The chance of spreading STD’s rises exponentially during a menstrual cycle. And while it’s highly unlikely the baby batter will find purchase, it does happen.

Soap up. If all else fails, have sex in the shower. The clean up’s easy. Unless you’re doing it during heavy flow days. Then you might as well stick Psycho into the DVD and fast-forward to the shower scene.

Sometimes, it’s women themselves who object to sex during menstruation. Ladies, if you’re a little grossed out, just remember that orgasms relieve menstrual cramps. That’s because the uterine contractions decrease the amount of cramp-causing hormones in the area. So, picture the head of your partner’s dick as a Midol pill and you’ll never look back. Even if you’re on all fours.

And speaking of orgasms, a lot of women report they’re stronger and deeper during menstruation. Which brings us to why your boyfriend will keep coming back every month: No man can resist a woman’s orgasm when it’s so powerful that it has its own narrative.

Lastly, sex shortens your period. By stimulating uterine contractions, orgasms help expel menstrual blood more quickly, shortening the cycle by up to a few days.

Bottom line: If you keep it hot, sexy and fun, you can ease your boyfriend into True Blood territory, where a little red makes a lot of sense.

Got a question for the Sexorcist? E-mail sexorcist@creativeloafing.com.

Midtown resident Mike Alvear hosts HBO's "The Sex Inspectors," blogs at mikealvear.com, and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie. He's also the principal passenger on the Grey Goose Express.

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