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Sex addict or horndog?

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I am in my early 40s and, until recently, I cheated on all my girlfriends and wives. I've been married twice and had many affairs and one-night stands or with prostitutes. My main reason for going outside my marriages was that my wives couldn't keep up with my sex drive. I estimate I've had sex with more than 1,000 women.

For many years, I thought I had a problem with sex, but recently I'm starting to think I just chose the wrong women. I'm in a relationship now and, for the first time, I've found a woman who is compatible on all levels. We make love at least five times a week and our sessions last for hours. Basically, I am satisfied and don't have a desire to be with anyone else. Based on my past, am I a sex addict?

— Wondering

Dear Wondering,

So, this woman walks by a pet shop and sees this parrot in the window for $50. She goes in to ask why such a magnificent bird would be on sale for such a low price.

"Well," the pet shop owner says, "the parrot's a little rough around the edges, having come from, well, a whorehouse."

The woman says she doesn't care how salty he is and buys him. She takes the bird home and places the cage in the living room. When she takes the cover off, the bird looks around and says: "New house, new madam."

The woman figures that's not so bad. Then her daughters come over to see the parrot. When the parrot sees them, he says, "New house, new madam, new hotties."

Again, the woman thinks the parrot is charming. Then her husband walks in. The parrot sees him and says, "Hi, Keith!"

My point, Keith, is that labels don't matter; consequences do. And with the consequences you've created in the pursuit of that new vag smell, I'd say you're a classic case of a sex addict.

It almost feels like you want to brand yourself a sex addict not to get help, but to absolve yourself of the responsibility of wrecking two marriages.

In fact, your contention that you finally found the right woman has the insinuating whiff of blaming your ex-wives for your divorces. All it took was finding the right woman, right?

So, a little about sex addiction. It isn't the number of partners that determines the label; it's the severity of the consequences. Sex addiction guru Patrick Carnes (read his seminal book, Out of the Shadows) addressed the idea of equating sex addiction to an arbitrary number of partners in an interview with Esquire a while back: "That's like asking how many drinks make an alcoholic."

Personally, I think one of the early signs of sex addiction is when you go to the STD clinic and ask for "the usual." Or when you've raised the local whores to a new tax bracket.

Or when you sleep with a thousand women while married to two different wives.

Saying "Problem solved!" because you met the right woman is like an alcoholic saying he can control his drinking because he found the right bar. It's only a matter of time before your addiction rears its ugly head. When it does, you better get yourself to a therapist or a sex addiction group. Because, in my opinion, you're a car crash looking for a telephone pole.

Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? Email him at sexorcist@creativeloafing.com. Mike Alvear is the author of the Meet the Hottie in the Corner e-book and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie.

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