Blame it on Ted. A 24-hour news network seemed like a good idea at the time. Now it's a global industry with an insatiable appetite for tragedies and disasters to market, with panic-producing titles like "Operation Freedom." When there's a world crisis, we're drawn to it like a siren. But its allure and credibility are diminished by the relentless bombardment of superficial soundbites, tacky graphics, robotic anchors and the promise to bring us all the news all the time, whether there's anything new to report or not.
Therefore, it is with much pride that we announce the launch of Creative Loafing Network. Forget that 24/7 bullshit. We tell you what you need to know when we damn well feel like telling you.
Leading our CLN Action News Team is longtime AAA member Flem Montgomery, who provides the square jaw and silver pate that market surveys indicate inspires a false sense of security in viewers. A former used car salesman in Smyrna, Montgomery enjoyed minor celebrity status in 1992 as the man who convinced OutKast to spell their name with a "K." He's joined behind the desk by LaZonya Goldstein, a former spokesmodel for E-Z Does It Insurance Co. and second runner-up in the 1995 Regional High School Drum Majorette competition and fashion show.
We acknowledge that neither Montgomery nor Goldstein has any actual journalism experience, but we feel confident they are as qualified for the job as those portraying anchors on the other news networks.
Bringing us live reports from the field are three of CL's most celebrated columnists: John "Fishwrapper" Sugg, Jane "Jane Says" Catoe and Andisheh "Scene & Herd" Nouraee. These fearless news veterans risk scuffed shoes and mussed hair to provide breathless eyewitness accounts from such volatile locations as the parking lot of the Atlanta Fish Market in Buckhead, an empty swimming pool in Piedmont Park and the backroom of a piercing parlor in Little Five Points.
So without further ado, the CLN Action News Team, along with a lot of nameless reporters, photographers, editors and designers who toiled night-and-day on a meager sustenance of Twizzlers and chai lattes, is proud to bring you our inaugural CLN Action News Team Special News Report: OPERATION: BEST OF ATLANTA 2003.