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Just beat it

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At a convenience store in Old Fourth Ward, a man grabbed a bag of chips and flung 50 cents on the counter. "You don't have enough money," the clerk said. The 48-year-old man clung to his chips and tried to bolt from the store. Quickly, the clerk locked the suspect inside the store and called 911. Cops arrived and eventually unlocked the convenience store. "Fuck you, I don't have to do shit, I know my rights," the man said. Then the man "balled his hands into fists, flexed his shoulders, and marched toward [a police officer] as if he was going to attack," a cop noted. The cop pulled out his Taser and asked the suspect for his name. "I'm Michael Jackson," the man replied in a sarcastic tone as he started swinging his arms in circles and twirling his backpack from his shoulder. (An unusual homage to Jackson's dance moves?) The cop deployed the Taser and, according to the police report, "both darts got stuck in the suspect's clothing with zero effect." So the cop Tasered him again. Two darts struck the man in his leg and he fell to the ground. During the arrest, the suspect "bragged about how much alcohol he had drank that day," the cop noted.

Once they arrived at city jail, "The suspect told jailers that he needed to go to Grady Hospital because his testicles hurt," the cop noted. "The suspect told jailers that his testicles are now so big that they hit his knees." He claimed cops had Tasered his testicles, causing massive swelling. Medics examined the man. His testicles are just fine.

Officer Spellgood

In Adamsville, a 50-year-old woman called police to her home because someone messed with her adult son's pickup truck. An officer arrived and wrote the following report: "She discovered that some one put a sneaker bar in her son pickup truck. [The woman] stated her son last night called her and told her to check his vehicle to make sure that nothing happen to his truck as far as broken glass, flat tires, and etc. [The woman] said that she did and there was nothing wrong with the truck, however, this morning when she dropped her daughter off at work she stop to get some gas and it was at that time when she discovered the pieces of a sneakers bar around the edges of the gas tank. " The son said his ex-girlfriend threatened to trash his truck. The son is nearly 30 years old.

Bye-bye birdie

Police received a call from a man with a bullet hole in his middle finger. Cops rushed to help the 23-year-old man at an apartment complex on New Town Circle. A man said a stranger in a red bandanna tried to rob him, and when he ran away the stranger shot his middle finger. Cops drove the man to Grady Memorial Hospital, where he gave a fake name. Turns out, the 23-year-old is on probation for stealing. Quickly, he confessed: "I'm gonna come clean, man, I shot myself. No one tried to rob me. I made everything up because I knew my name was hot." The man said he swiped the gun from a stolen car that his friend was driving in DeKalb County. Then he tried to sell the gun to another friend at the New Town Circle apartment. During the sale, the 23-year-old attempted to take the gun apart and accidentally shot himself in the middle finger. He's charged with lying to police.

Double digit

On Shadydale Avenue, cops dealt with a domestic dispute involving pizza. Upon arrival, police spoke with a 37-year-old man who shares the home with his girlfriend and her 21-year-old son. Apparently, the son returned home and went berserk because someone ate all of his pizza. The son started "throwing kitchen appliances such as microwaves and a toaster to express his anger," the officer wrote. Then the son allegedly grabbed a kitchen knife and cut his mother's boyfriend's thumb. When cops arrived, the son was stomping around the backyard. A cop asked why he was so angry. The son said he was furious because all his pizza was gone and he had nothing to eat or share with his girlfriend, who was coming over. Blood was dripping from the son's index finger. He had slashed his own finger while breaking the microwave's glass door. Both men likely needed stitches on their bleeding digits but refused medical treatment.

Wambulance, pronto

In Midtown, an undercover cop saw a 38-year-old man strolling in the middle of the road. "As he was walking, he would look into all the parked vehicles," the cop noted as he called for backup. Police detained the man, put him in a patrol car, and took him to the Spring Street precinct. "When the suspect was taken out of the patrol car, the suspect threw himself on the ground and started to scream that police had broken his legs and they won't call for an ambulance," the cop wrote. "By chance, there was an ambulance parked next to our patrol car — and when the suspect saw it, he stated, 'Oh, just take me to jail then.'"

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.

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