So, I have, ahem, a rather unusual way to meet women. I go to gay bars, pretend I'm gay, hit on straight girls, talk about how fed up I am with men, tell them I always wanted to try it with a woman, and BANG! Thar she blows. My straight buddies think I'm insane and my gay friends think I'm unethical. It all comes down to this: I can't compete with the big dogs, the good-looking studs that women fall all over. So, I employ the "sneaky fucker" strategy. Do you think I'm wrong? Is it unethical to play gay to get the girl? (Like I'm going to give it up if you think it is. Still, I'd like your opinion.)
— Bottoms up
Dear Bottoms Up,
There's nothing unethical about lying to get laid. People do it all the time. How many guys exaggerate what they do for a living to impress a woman? How many women stuff their bras to attract men?
Courtship is founded on a stack of well-thought-out lies. The entire dating apparatus would collapse if we introduced absolute honesty to the proceedings. Got a date with a hottie? Better get rid of that sandwich wrapper hiding in the sofa cracks. If you want to give her the bacon, you can't let her know you live like a pig.
Almost everything one does on a date is slightly deceptive. How many times have you worn something to cover up that muffin top hanging over your belt? Or talked like you're financially sound even though you're paying the mortgage with a line of credit? Or pretended to be an easy-going guy when you actually explode over every little problem?
Here's the irony about dating: Lying is the only way to get a shot at making an authentic connection. If you don't set the bait, you'll never get her close enough to have the potential for an honest relationship.
Think about it — how are you supposed to get somebody to accept you for who you are unless you pretend to be someone they want? Dating requires you to make accommodations with the truth if you want to get anywhere. The good news is that our lies are most often aspirational. We want to be the way we're positioning ourselves, so we pretend to be until we actually become (hopefully).
There are all kinds of dating deceptions, aren't there? There's exaggeration ("My penis isn't that big but I'm proud of every foot"), propaganda ("I can last so long in bed they're going to put your face on a milk carton"), and lawsuit-worthy irresponsibility ("I'm HIV negative").
Where does fauxmosexuality fit into the hierarchy of deception? If I were a truth cop, I'd let you off with a warning — and then ask for your autograph.
Playing gay to get the tit-tay is a lie we can all admire. What better statement can a woman have about her beauty and personality than to be able to say, "I can turn gay men straight." Yes, you're lying, but you're also giving her a bracing shot of self-esteem. Temporarily, at least.
Besides, is there a better "let out" for a one-night stand? If you don't want to see her again, there's no sticky emotional dialogue. It isn't her; it's you. You're GAY. No fuss, no muss. Next!
And what if you want to actually date her? Obviously, you're going to have to admit the truth. That will be the first test of your compatibility. If she doesn't laugh, she may not be right for you. If she doesn't get even, she's probably not a good fit. And if she doesn't force you to have a three-way with another guy, she's a loser.
Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at email@example.com. Midtown resident Mike Alvear hosts HBO's "The Sex Inspectors," blogs at mikealvear.com and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie.