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Invisible friend



A woman says someone swiped her $1,332 insurance check from her mailbox just days after she moved into her new Sylvan Hills apartment.

The property manager and his friend were hanging out on her porch — for no apparent reason. The woman asked the men, "Have you seen the mailman today?" The men replied that they had not.

However, the mailman clearly remembers delivering the insurance check to her mailbox that day. Also, the mailman remembers seeing two suspicious guys on her porch.

Quickly, the woman called police to her home, but when she turned around, only one man remained: the property manager. Conveniently, the property manager denied that his friend was ever there at all and hadn't seen his friend in days. His enthusiastic denial startled the officer. "I asked [him] why he thought the woman would say someone was here, if he in reality was not," the officer wrote. "With very animated facial expressions, the property manager replied, "I don't know why they are lying, they are the best liars on Earth!" The officer asked: Are you covering up for your friend? The property manager spontaneously uttered, "Why would I do that? I have no reason to cover up for anyone! My wife works and makes $125,000 a year and I have worked myself for years. I don't need to steal someone's money. I did that when I was younger, but I quit that and I have been self-employed for years!"

Dude, learn when to shut your trap. The cop is keeping an eye on the property manager.

Snow job

One Saturday morning in Old Fourth Ward, a woman called police and said her boyfriend smashed a bottle in her face. Sounds terrible. But it's a bunch of baloney. Hours later, the woman called police again and confessed that she had lied — no one hit her in the face with a bottle. Confused? According to the police report, the woman explained that she got into an "altercation with her drug dealer earlier ... about some money that she owes him." She said she didn't have the money so her drug dealer grabbed a bottle and smashed it into her boyfriend's car, shattering the rear window. Then, the woman ran to her boyfriend's house and knocked on the door — no answer. Furious, the woman decided to call police with her hocus-pocus glass-in-the-face fib. Lady, the logic of calling police about your drug-dealer spat evades us.

Happy hour goes awry

After work on a Friday, a woman and her 25-year-old boyfriend went to visit a mutual friend at a bar in the basement of a Midtown office building. During the visit, the woman's cellphone rang. She decided to ignore the call and keep talking to her friend. For some reason, her phone etiquette enraged her boyfriend — even though he wasn't the caller. The boyfriend was alledgedly furious because she did not answer some random call, so he screamed, calling his girlfriend a "bitch, retard, and stupid," according to the police report.

The boyfriend then shoved her into a chair. The friend — an older woman — unsuccessfully tried to get him to calm down. The boyfriend amped it up and started yelling and then gathered up his belongings to go. On his way out, he swiped the friend's bag, containing her iPad and ThinkPad, and left the bar. The ladies called police.

Just plain bold

A thirtysomething man was sitting up straight on a stone bench in a park near Piedmont Avenue — getting a blowjob from a female impersonator. In broad daylight. Around noon. According to the police report, cops saw the female impersonator's head "moving up and down rapidly" near the man's lap. Both the man and female impersonator went to jail on indecent exposure charges. The female impersonator's mascara, eye shadow, and makeup brushes were turned in to police.

What are the odds?

A 29-year-old college student said someone broke into his Honda Civic outside a pharmacy on Bolton Road, smashing the car window and making off with the man's bookbag, which contained two textbooks. The man called police and reported his stolen textbooks and car damage.

About an hour later, the man's cell phone rang. The caller was a mysterious 12-year-old kid saying he has the backpack and is willing to return it. The man agreed to meet the kid at a gas station. When they met up, the 12-year-old said a stranger handed him the backpack, and told him the backpack fell out of a car at a music-recording studio on Marietta Street. The 29-year-old man checked his backpack: everything was there, safe and sound.

Are they blind?

In downtown Atlanta, a 31-year-old man said he ran into his baby's mother's boyfriend nicknamed "Gunzo." He said Gunzo lifted up his shirt exposing the "bunt of his gun" and told him to walk, and another guy grabbed onto his jacket, preventing him from running away. He said they propelled him right past the Richard B. Russell Federal Building on Spring Street.

The man said he tried to get the attention of the federal security officers at the entrance but he couldn't get close enough to the metal detectors to set off the alarms. Still near the federal building, Gonzo reportedly told him, "I don't care, if you don't do what you are told, I will shoot you." Gunzo and friend dragged him for a few more blocks and then stole his MARTA Breeze Card and his cell phone and let him go unharmed.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.

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