Sex & Vice » The Sexorcist

Hunger for a three-way, guys? Let her order for both of you

by

8 comments

Dear Sexorcist,

My better half and I recently discovered a shared fantasy. She wants to learn how to please a woman and I want to teach her. We recently went to a local swingers club, where she got a bit of a taste (so to speak). Afterward, she confessed that she couldn’t make heads or tails of the other woman’s little lotus flower. Low lighting, questionable music, other men, who knows what on the beds — this is not the experience we’re looking for. We would like to find a girl we could bring back to our place, blow her mind and maybe make breakfast for. Online is out (queue the irony) and we wouldn’t want (nor could afford) a pro. Any suggestions on areas in Atlanta we could go to up our odds of finding a girl that’s game?

— Three’s Company

Dear Company:

Wait. Back up. Online is out of the question? That’s like saying you want to fish, but not if there’s water involved. On craigslist alone there are 46 “woman looking for a man and a woman” listings. This month. Damn, some people drink from the fountain of knowledge; you guys only gargled. Get your ass online and start dancing those digits across the keyboard. There are so many options they make your head spin like a ceiling fan.

Now, about offline. People always ask the wrong question when they want to meet somebody. They think geography is the answer. They’re certain that there’s that one bar or gathering place where their sexual desires will find purchase. Well, it isn’t about where you go; it’s about what you do. It isn’t the place; it’s the approach. For example, if the guy tries to make it happen, the chances go down. If the girlfriend does it, they go up. Good luck if you’re direct (“You’re hot — wanna fuck both of us?”), mazel tov if you’re not (“Why don’t you come back with us for a nightcap?”).

Here’s a step-by-step scenario that’ll maximize your chances of grabbing a third: You establish alcohol as a line item in your household budget because you’re going to be buying so many drinks, people are going to think you’re running an alt-weekly.

You go to a club where you can dance. Your girlfriend starts dancing with other women. You join them. You slowly pay more attention to the woman you both think is a) hot, b) willing. You, or rather, your girlfriend asks her to join you at the bar. You pour. When to stop? When her hand gets wet. Remember, there are three types of “Oh MY God!” 1) OMG, I’m in heaven, 2) OMG, I’m in hell, 3) OMG, where am I? You’re aiming for the third.

You proceed to be more fun than a slide on a sunny day, knowing that if you make her laugh you’re halfway up her leg. You pay her innocent, but slightly naughty, compliments like, “Wow, your cleavage is going to conquer Hollywood.” Your girlfriend backs you up, paying her more compliments. This lets Thirdy know that your girlfriend is completely OK with you hitting on her.

You go to the bathroom. You let your girlfriend make the ask because you’ll blow it by saying something like, “I’ve always wanted to bang two chicks at the same time.” Instead, she says, “Hey, it’s my boyfriend’s birthday and I want to do something he’s always wanted. I don’t do this, EVER, but I was wondering ...”

Now, let’s say all this doesn’t work because one of you looks like the hindquarters of bad luck, or you’ve got the diplomatic skills of a charging rhino. What then? Try one of the swingers clubs you haven’t been to. There are seven of them in Atlanta.

You can also try swinger vacation spots like Hedonism Resorts. Or retreats and seminars for sexually adventurous couples. If you want to experience morning breath multiplied by three, sort through your options and start booking so you can start looking.

Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at sexorcist@creativeloafing.com. Midtown resident Mike Alvear hosts HBO’s “The Sex Inspectors,” blogs at mikealvear.com and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie.

Comments (8)

Showing 1-8 of 8

Add a comment
 

Add a comment