I would like to find a friend with benefits, of the opposite sex. I'm actually more interested in the benefits than the friendship. I want it casual and safe. Any suggestions on how I can get it? Preferably without the bar scene involved?
— Want me some
Dear Want Some,
Let's start with definitions. A "friend with benefits" is a diplomatic way of saying "fuck buddy." Which is a diplomatic way of saying that one of you is fuckable but not dateable.
You don't order up a fuck buddy like a pizza. If all you want is sex and you don't want to work to get it, listen to Larry the Cable Guy, who once said, "What's Tulsa spelled backward? A Slut. What's a slut backward? About $100."
In other words, there are certain kinds of women who'll take your money and run if all you want is a run on their panties. But hey, there's a recession going on, so let's see what other inexpensive, low-work options you have for getting sex. Hmmm. How about none?
Look, sex is like food. You have to work to get it, prepare it and eat it. There are no shortcuts. You're operating under a huge misconception — that you get a fuck buddy in a different way than you get a one-nighter, a date or a relationship. Regardless of what you want from someone, first you have to meet them. And meeting them requires you to stop smelling like ranch dressing and get a personality a little more exciting than a pap smear. In other words, if you want to have sex, you have to make yourself more sexually appealing.
And if you want a girl to fall in your lap, you're going to have to take your lap places. Where you take it is up to you — swinger's clubs, bars, nightclubs, social clubs, online, hell, even grocery stores. Women are everywhere. If you were smart you'd think to yourself, "Hmm, what do women like to do and where do they hang out?" That kind of "hmm-ing" usually leads to places like dance or yoga classes. You should see the babes in my hot yoga class at Urban Studios. And I'm a garrulous gay guy! The fact that the women outnumber guys by three to one in yoga studios just shows you that most men aren't willing to fish where the fish are stretching.
Another thing. You can't really aim for a fuck buddy. You get one as a result of sleeping with somebody who wants to date your dick but not what it's attached to. For the most part, fuck buddies don't last very long. Somebody either loses interest or worse, gains it. And then you really have a problem. Because once somebody starts seeing you as dating material the gig is up.
As one friend said to me about his friend with benefits, "When Blow Job Jenny drunk dials, you answer." But you know what? He did all the things I just described. He made himself presentable and went out to the clubs, and that's how he met BJ Jenny (at the Dark Horse Tavern, if you must know).
If you're looking online, your best bets are Craig's List and Adult Friend Finder, sites where guys and girls go for the specific goal of having no-strings sex. But I suspect that your real problem isn't where to "find" women but that you don't how you relate to them.
Because this seems like a freakin' epidemic among straight men, I'm going to devote next week's column to the Gay Guy's Guide To Getting Straight Men Laid. Stay tuned.
Mike hosts HBO's "The Sex Inspectors," blogs at mikealvear.com and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie. Got a burning or why-is-it burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org.