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How can I avoid joining al-Qaeda by mistake?

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ATTENTION JOB SEEKERS

Don't be discouraged by the nation's ballooning unemployment figures. There are plenty of great jobs out there. You just need to start being creative about where you look, and open-minded about what kind of jobs you're willing to take.

For example, if you're a physically fit black man who enjoys acting in non-sexual wrestling videos, you can earn a quick $125 simply by visiting Craigslist and answering the ad titled "Black Muscular Males For Nonsexual Wresting Videos."

Unemployed sugarbabies in the Southeast United States take note: Craigslist also features a help-wanted ad posted by a self-described Miami "sugardaddy" who travels to Georgia for work.

At the moment, he's looking for an Atlanta sugarbaby with whom he can enjoy dancing, golf, fishing, and jai alai. "Pay is cash for time spent together. Obviously the more time we see each other, the more pay." Obviously.

For my international reader(s), the recent London Review of Books features a classified ad that reads simply, "Lesbian, 30, wants man's cock to play with. Also balls." I'm not sure if it’s for money or if, in this case, the work is its own reward.  

Good luck on your job hunt, but be very careful. There are a lot of people out there trying to take advantage in these desperate economic times.

According to the journal of the U.S. Army's Combating Terrorism Center, al-Qaeda's HR department is actively seeking new recruits among the general populace.

Sneaky bastards that they are, they're not posting help wanted ads on Craigslist or sticking "Earn money and martyrdom from home" flyers under the windshield wipers of parked cars.

Instead, the report says, al-Qaeda is instructing recruiters on the art of seducing unsuspecting regular folk into its sinister ranks.

The instructions were found online in a booklet titled, A Course In The Art of Recruitment. Written by an al-Qaeda agent who goes by the nom de guerre Abu 'Amr al-Qa'idi, the booklet distills terrorist recruiting into five simple steps.

The best protection against falling victim to al-Qaeda's trickery is to learn the steps and plan appropriate counter-maneuvers. It's really the only way to protect you and your family from accidentally joining the group responsible for 9/11.

Step 1: Scouting Instead of looking for dedicated Muslims, Abu 'Amr advises al-Qaeda recruiters to look for old friends who aren't particularly religious. He says, "Memorizers of the Quran" should be shunned because they've probably been fed anti al-Qaeda propaganda by their imams. Memorizing Islam's holy book and reciting passages aloud to every passerby might be your best defense against al-Qaeda recruiters.  

Step 2: Relationship building Before ever discussing politics or jihad, Abu 'Amr says its important to build trust with kind gestures such as giving gifts, friendly text messages, and taking the recruit to lunch. Eating big breakfasts and turning off your phone should keep you safe.

Step 3: Awakening the recruit's faith Abu 'Amr says a good way to broach the topic of religion with a potential recruit is to ask them to consider how great heaven would be and how awful hell might be. To counter this move, start belting Belinda Carlisle's "Heaven Is A Place On Earth" every time someone says the word "heaven." If that doesn't work, insist that you love hot weather and the stench of sulphur.

Step 4: Implanting jihadist concepts If a potential recruit's Muslim faith seems awakened, Abu 'Amr suggests introducing him to classic jihadist texts like Abdullah Azzam's Liberation of Muslim Lands. If anyone tries to give you jihadist literature, take the books, but say you promised yourself you wouldn't start a new book until you finished Sophie Kinsella's entire Shopaholic series.

Step 5: Form a sleeper cell If Steps 1 through 4 are completed successfully, the al-Qaeda recruiter will finally ask you to join his secret sleeper cell. If this happens, tell your recruiter that you accept his offer and that you can't wait to Tweet about it.

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