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Her boyfriend is toying with her libido

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Dear Sexorcist,

It’s hard for me to climax during sex, so I recently looked into sex toys to revamp my sex life with my boyfriend. Anytime I mention them or show him the things I bought — mainly for myself, but some for both of us — he goes ape-shit. None of the toys are super kinky or anything. It’s just a C-ring with a vibrating bullet on it. His uptight attitude toward them is ruining our sex life and starting to affect our relationship. It’s annoying because I brought it up with him before I bought the toys and he was like, “If you want them, that’s fine.” Help!

— Toying With Him

Dear Toying:

Skip the sensitive crap and give him a warning: If your yawns get any bigger, they’re going to name a hurricane after them. I’m sick and tired of women having to straighten out everything. Why should the burden fall on you to solve his issues? Why doesn’t he come to you with his concerns and a sincere desire to understand so you can work this shit out in constructive ways?

I know, I know. I gotta try some decaf.

Look, he thinks the sex toys are mocking him. In his mind, the rabbit and the vibrating ring are gossiping over the fence. “I’ve seen bigger penises on embryos,” says the vibrating ring, with a shudder. “He makes love like he’s committing a felony!” sniffs the rabbit.

Consequently, he misinterprets everything you say. “I want to spice things up,” means you’re squinting at his crotch. “We’ll discover new horizons in pleasure,” means you’re squinting, then rolling your eyes. And “I want to have deeper orgasms,” means you’re thinking of replacing him with his father.

Men don’t understand why women like to use inanimate objects to deepen sexual pleasure. I mean, if we don’t need them, why do you — right? Give us a little up-and-down motion and we’re good to go. OK, maybe a little to the side, but still.

We men don’t have mysterious pleasure zones whose very existence is up for debate (like the G-spot). And we don’t know what to do with a vibrating device, except to stuff it in the DVD player to cool it down after playing nonstop porn.

Trust me, you wouldn’t be in your predicament if there were toys that could do for men what they do for women. If that was the case, every car would come with factory-installed double-orgasm blasters and OnStar would have more interesting commercials. (“Hello, Mr. Alvear? Our computers indicate that your vibrating dildo stopped after the crash. Would you like us to call an ambulance?”)

So here’s the thing: Sex toys are nothing but motorized masturbation. If he doesn’t mind you masturbating, he shouldn’t mind you motorizing it. But clearly, he does. Knowing that the best way to a man’s heart is through his eyes, you need to put on a show.

You can’t go wrong by giving men a chance to WOW, YOU MEAN I GET TO WATCH?!!!! Or by appealing to their discriminating sense of CAN YOU DO THAT THING WITH YOUR TONGUE AGAIN? Or his selfless desire to DON’T MOVE, I NEED MORE LUBE!

If bribing him with visuals doesn’t work, you’ll have to have a sit-down with the usual there-there bromides:

No, sex toys aren’t part of your nefarious penis replacement plan.

No, you’re not going to get addicted and join a 12-step program because the G-spot finder made your life unmanageable.

Yes, you’ll leave him for a pair of AA batteries — as soon as they plug into something that kisses and holds you like he does.

No, you’re not going to put a bumper sticker on your car that says, “My other ride is a rabbit.”

Yes, he’ll become a better lover by understanding the what, where and how long of what you like.

And yes, even the best carpenters use power tools.

Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at Sexorcist@creativeloafing.com. Midtown resident Mike Alvear hosts HBO’s “The Sex Inspectors,” blogs at mikealvear.com and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie.

(Photo courtesy PatLaw/Flickr)

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