1) Mel Gibson -- To everyone's favorite student of world civilizations and sadist -- who not only knows a fun culture when he sees one but just happens to like them to suffer -- we would like to send him the latest edition of Cultural Anthropology: The Human Challenge (with CD-ROM and InfoTrac®), by William A. Haviland, Harald E.L. Prins, Dana Walrath and Bunny McBride (Wadsworth Publishing). Warning: They might actually like Jews!
2) Kevin Federline -- What do you give the father who has everything (and seems to sire everyone)? No doubt, this man has long needed at least an economy-size pack of Trojan Ultra Ribbed Spermicidal Lubricant Condoms. If there's one thing this world needs less of, it's another little K-Fed traipsing about God's green earth and threatening to "entertain" us. Seriously, Kev, wrap it up.
3) Eddie Murphy -- Wasn't it only yesterday we were deriding Sir Edward as a self-absorbed, egocentric, multiple-character-playing prima donna who "starred" in bombs and never gave the time of day to the press? Now, with the anticipated success of Dreamgirls, Murphy's all over the media, doing interviews and appearing on, of all places, "Inside the Actors Studio." Give that man an Oscar!
4) Snoop Dogg -- So Rolling Stone dubs him "America's Most Lovable Pimp," for "he's a family man who's evolved from the consummate thug to the ultimate mack." Wow, Snoop, you've come a long way, but didn't we hear you rapping on Akon's latest love sonnet, "I Wanna Love You"? (Sample lyric: "... D-O-double g and I'm here to put this dick in you/I'm stuck on pussy and yours it tight." For you, Snoop, a muzzle.
5) Donald Rumsfeld -- The Bush administration's ultimate thugsta ("Don't hate the playa, hate the game!") clearly will be spending his remaining days wrestling with his conscience after years of sending 'em overseas only to have 'em come right back. For this, we offer him a non-removable black armband. Just so he doesn't forget. We won't.