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Don't Panic!

Terror tips for the terrified

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Where the hell is Dick Cheney?

Since Sept. 11, Vice President Dick Cheney has kept a low profile because the administration has decided that he should remain in a secure, secret location in order to protect the continuity of our national leadership in case of attack. Moreover, as we all know, Republicans have long placed a high priority on tightly regulating the location and movement of dick.

The first place I looked for Dick was in the phone book. The "A-L" white pages on my desk lists three Richard Cheneys and one Rick Cheney, but neither of them is the Dick we're trying to get our hands on.

In an interview on "60 Minutes II" (shouldn't they call it 60 More Minutes?) a couple of weeks ago, Dick said that he goes to the White House when Bush isn't there, and that he's never in the same location with the president anymore.

Therefore, reason dictates that if you wanna find Cheney, your odds of finding him are greatly improved if you start looking in places that Bush has never been and likely will never go.

Here's where I'd start looking for Dick:

Afghanistan. Not only would Bush never set foot in Afghanistan, but being so close to the action would allow Dick to more closely fulfill his duties as Commander-in-Chief of our armed forces. Oops, I mean report to the president about U.S. military operations. My bad.

Palm Beach County, Florida. It's filled with angry elderly Democrats who think that Bush stole the 2000 election, so the president would never go there. But since their vision is so lousy that they can't even read clearly marked ballots, they probably wouldn't recognize Dick.

In the budget surplus. No one knows where the hell that thing is.

With Al Gore. Secure and definitely secret.

Underneath a copy of the U.S. Constitution. If Attorney General John Ashcroft's civil rights violations under the guise of "national security" are any indication, Bush hasn't been near a copy of the Constitution in ages. Dick should be fine there.

E-mail your war questions to andisheh@creativeloafing.com.

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