Although I was repeatedly warned by my patriotic brothers and sisters via conservative media and countless e-mails that begin “FW:” about how Obama is a secret Commie planning to destroy the U.S. from within, I chose to dismiss the warnings as hysterical fear-mongering.
Well, it turns out the fear-mongerererers were right and I was wrong. I admit it. Obama’s as Communist as boiled collective farm potatoes, served with a side of red cabbage and washed down with some nasty, government-subsidized vodka.
In retrospect, the Commie clues were obvious. I mean, why else would Obama propose health care legislation similar to what President Richard “The Red” Nixon supported in the 1970s? Duh! Because Obama’s a Commie.
And why else does Obama think the wealthiest Americans should pay roughly the same income tax rate they paid during the red-red-reigns of Chairman Reagan and Secretary General Bush The Elder? Duh. Because Obama is Black Stalin®!
So what finally awoke me from my denial?
It was the Sept. 17 announcement by Comrade Obama canceling President Bush’s plan to build an anti-ballistic missile system based in Poland and the Czech Republic.
With that one move, Obama’s basically handing Europe over to the Russians. If you think I’m exaggerating, just ask architects and fans of Bush’s fantastically successful foreign policy.
The Weekly Standard, the magazine founded by neoconservative hunk William Kristol, says Obama’s move is a show of weakness and appeasement akin to British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain handing Czechoslovakia to Hitler before World War II.
John Bolton, Bush’s former undersecretary of secretary of state for arms control, says Obama’s move is an “unambiguously bad decision” that weakens the U.S.’s ability to defend against Russia.
And House GOP leader Rep. John Boehner of Ohio stepped away from his tanning bed long enough to declare that Obama was “empowering” Russia and “ignoring the threat” posed to the West by the world’s most dangerous regimes.
Those three were all such astute foreign policy thinkers during the Bush years that it’s hard not to take them at their word: Obama is a dirty, Putin-fellatin’ Commie.
It’s only a matter of time before Putin and his army are parading down the Champs-Élysées, or pounding paella as far west as Madrid. Those Bush anti-ballistic missile bases were the only thing stopping Vladimir Putin & Co., his 4,000 nuclear warheads, and his massive army from conquering Europe.
Even worse, those Bush missiles weren’t merely thwarting Russian designs on Europe. They were making the Russians tremble with fear. The Reds have a weird hang-up about powerful militaries deploying even nominal forces near its Western border. I’ve heard it’s got something to do with the Russians losing 30 million people during the world wars. Whatever.
Perhaps the most amazing thing about these Bush missiles that Obama is trashing is that they don’t even exist yet. The Bush system was still in the planning stages. The proposed 10 launch bases in Poland and the fancy-panted radar station in the Czech Republic weren’t scheduled to be operational until 2017.
I know, I know. It sucks. But before you get too depressed about Obama’s Commie capitulation, consider the bright side.
Obama says he’s replacing Bush’s planned missiles with different, smaller ones. These Obama missiles, called SM-3 (the Pentagon says it stands for “Standard Missile” but I’ve heard rumors it stands for “Secret Muslim”), will be deployed on ships in the Mediterranean to counter the threat posed by Iranian short- and medium-range ballistic missiles.
Iran is reportedly making fast progress with its short- and medium-range missiles. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates say the new Obama system will be up and running around 2011, roughly six or seven years before the proposed Bush system was going to come online. U.S. military leaders say the new Obama plan is more effective against a potential Iranian threat than Bush’s plan.
The bright side: Though Obama is cozying up to godless Commie Russians, it actually seems like he’s getting tougher with those no-good Muslims in Iran.
Maybe those rumors about Obama being a Commie Muslim aren’t true. Maybe he’s just a plain-old Commie.