News & Views » Don't Panic!... Your war questions answered

Can Tiger Woods’ penis solve the Iraqi refugee crisis?

Until quite recently, I was about as interested in the sex lives of golfers as I am about, well, golf



Until quite recently, I was about as interested in the sex lives of golfers as I am about, well, golf – i.e., not even remotely interested.

Suddenly, I'm very interested.

The news media's obsession with allegations that top golfer Tiger Woods was playing as many holes in his free time as he was at tournaments has given me an idea.

In this column, I'm always nagging about big news organizations ignoring important stories in favor of fluff, sensation and scandal. I suspect right about now, Woods feels the same way. He's probably holed up in one of his mansions, infuriated and annoyed by the TV satellite trucks waiting outside for him. "Can't they go cover something more important?" he's probably thinking.

He's also probably freaking out because his nine-figure annual income is going to decline sharply now that his squeaky-clean, ad-friendly public image has been coated with a thick film of nonoxynol-9.

My plan will address all three of these problems at once. I call it Operation Endust.

How will Operation Endust work? Easy. Woods simply needs to hop on one of his Gulfstream private jets, fly to Damascus, Syria, or Amman, Jordan, and have sex with the first willing Iraqi refugee he can find. His magical, media-magnetic man-parts will do the rest.

The world media will pay more attention to an epic humanitarian crisis. Angelina and Brad went in October, true – but they didn't screw anyone. If Tiger goes there and has sex with a refugee, some of the satellite trucks will be drawn away from Tiger's mansion. And the brave humanitarian gesture will almost certainly polish Woods' tarnished image.

The United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees Office estimates that nearly 4.6 million have been forced from their homes since the Iraq war began. Nearly 2 million live in Jordan and Syria. Their lives can't be very good. Jordan and Syria don't have enough jobs, schools, homes, clean water or hospitals for their own nationals. They certainly don't have enough for the refugees – and therefore don't grant many of them work permits.

Forced to live off the grid, men are pushed into menial jobs (if they can find work at all), children go without schooling and adequate nutrition, and women and girls often turn to prostitution to get by. In 2007, the Iraqi human rights group Women's Will estimated that 50,000 Iraqi women were working as prostitutes in Syria.

Remember, Iraq is less than one-tenth the size of the United States. So those 2 million Iraqi refugees are the equivalent of 20 million Americans fleeing the U.S. for Mexico – and a half million of them being forced into prostitution to scratch out a living. We'd certainly recognize that as one of the greatest humanitarian disasters of our time. If you include the displaced Iraqis who have moved around within Iraq's borders, the scale of the problem more than doubles. But are we paying attention? No.

Why? Because the American public is clearly sick of Iraq. What little appetite for world news we have is clearly sated by Afghanistan.

Tiger, are you reading this? You need to have sex with an Iraqi refugee and you need to do it now!

Americans have a moral obligation to acknowledge and assist these Iraqis. The U.S. invasion of Iraq is what triggered the civil war, creating the exodus. These people ran for their lives because neither we nor the U.S.-backed Iraqi government provided the protection we promised them. It's our screw-up.

Yet, during the past four years, the U.S. has taken in only 38,000 Iraqi refugees, fewer than your wife's tiny native country of Sweden has.

It's not realistic to expect we can take them all in, I know, but we're not even giving them much money. The total amount of money from international donors (U.S. and the rest) allotted to the U.N. to help the million or so Iraqi refugees in Syria for the current fiscal year is a paltry $55 million. Tiger, that's half of what Forbes magazine says you earn annually.

You can fix it, Tiger. You can get the American public to pay attention. It's so easy. Gulfstream to Syria. Find someone you like who likes you. Then, in the words of your most famous corporate sponsor, just do it.

Add a comment