by Curt Holman
Creative Loafingâs Oscar the Souse drinking game has been clean and sober for the past few years. Upon hearing that several of this yearâs Academy Award nominees have explicit beverage-based themes, however, Oscar the Souse fell off the wagon to organize your Oscar party drinking game for Sunday night. By the end of the evening, your vision should be so blurry, the face in the
1) Every time someone mentions the recently completed writerâs strike, take a drink â but only if you want to pass out before they start handing out the major awards, because theyâll probably talk about the strike incessantly. You might want to narrow it down and only take a drink when a gag bombs and host Jon Stewart makes a quip like, "They returned to work for THIS?"
2) If Stewart or a presenter cracks a joke that âcastsâ any of the presidential candidates in a recent movie (ex. Hillary Clinton in Away from Her, John McCain in No Country for Old Men), take a drink.
3) If one of those endless panning shots of every living acting winner is shown to mark Oscar's 80th anniversary, finish your drink and go on a beer run, because those things take forever.
4) If There Will Be Blood wins anything, drink a Kahlua milkshake.
5) If Daniel Day-Lewis wins Best Actor for There Will Be Blood, use a straw to try to drink up everyone elseâs milkshake.
6) If anyone even mentions âI drink your milkshake!â from There Will Be Blood, drink a milkshake.
7) If Ellen Page wins Best Actress for Juno, drink a screwdriver made with Sunny Delight and pee on a home pregnancy test.
8) If Juno wins Best Original Screenplay, drink the Sunny Delight screwdriver and say, âItâs stripper-turned-blogger-turned-screenwriter Diablo Cody!â (Or use her real name, Brook Busey-Hunt, just to be that way.)
9) If Viggo Mortensen wins Best Actor for Eastern Promises, drink a vodka shot and brace yourself for the inevitable nude knife fight.
10) If George Clooney wins Best Actor for Michael Clayton, take a drink. In fact, even if Clooney doesnât win anything, take a drink, because heâs more handsome, debonair, successful and funny than you could ever be. Curse you, George Clooney.
11) If Tom Wilkinson wins Best Supporting Actor for Michael Clayton, go off your meds and start taking your clothes off. When everyone looks at you funny, sheepishly claim that you thought it was an Oscar strip poker game, not an Oscar drinking game.
13) If Marion Cotillard wins Best Actress for La Vie en Rose, take a drink of absinthe, spend the rest of the night carousing in cabarets, bistros and brothels, awaken in the gutter and croak âNon, je ne regrette rien.â
14) If Julie Christie wins Best Actress for Away from Her, drink until you forget your spouse and fall in love with someone else. Good luck making excuses for that one the morning after.
15) If Cate Blanchett wins Best Supporting Actress for Iâm Not There, take a drink, sing the chorus of âEverybody Must Get Stonedâ and explain the Dylan references to party-goers under 30.
16) If Javier Bardem wins Best Supporting Actor for No Country for Old Men, flip a coin and either take a drink or punch holes in stuff with your air compressor captive bolt pistol.
17) If the Coen brothers win for Best Director or Best Adapted Screenplay for No Country for Old Men, drink a White Russian in honor of Jeffrey âThe Dudeâ Lebowski.
18) When Heath Ledger appears in the tribute montage to recently deceased movie people, take a drink and take comfort that at least he was able to share in Brokeback Mountainâs win for Best Picture. Oh, wait a minute â never mind.
19) If Surfâs Up or Norbit win anything, finish your drink and bid farewell to your loved ones, because itâs probably the End Times.
20) If No Country for Old Men wins Best Picture, pour a shot of Old Granddad, leave it unfinished and quietly retire as a commentary on the meaninglessness of life, human nature, drinking games and the Academy Awards.
Let me know if I left anything out, like Atonement. PopSmart will live-blog the Oscars show, which begins at 8:30 p.m., on Sunday, Feb. 24, on ABC.