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Bizarre crimes from Atlanta police reports

Flying sauces, taxing smackdown and more



A woman told police that her ex-boyfriend had broken into her apartment on Park Drive and did a little redecorating for her. When police arrived, they found that various foodstuffs had been smeared all over the carpet, walls and furniture. Someone, according to the report, "had taken various sauces and foods from the kitchen and spread them throughout the house. I observed BBQ sauce, vegetable oil, flower [sic], sugar, and bleach spread on the walls. Also, there was butter spread all over the couch." The woman also said her laptop and $600 worth of shoes had been absconded with.

TAKE A STAB: On Fairburn Road, police found an 18-year-old man standing in his front yard, bleeding. The guy — who might not be the sharpest knife in the drawer — explained to them that he'd accidently stabbed himself. He told them that while he was in the middle of preparing dinner, he left the kitchen to lie down for a minute and, of course, brought a knife with him. "After a few moments [he] got up from laying down on the bed and when he did he rolled onto the knife he was holding," an officer wrote. "[He] said he got up too fast ... causing a stab wound to his right arm, that went through the top of his forearm to the other side." The officer's last note: "The man said there was no fowl [sic] play."

LORD OF THE RINGS: A woman said she left her home on Moores Mill Road, and when she returned she found that someone had kicked in her doggie door and stolen some stuff. The only items she reported missing were four of her husband's rings, including a Medical College of Georgia 1971 class ring — replete with skull and bones — a wedding ring with about 5 diamonds, and "an Evander Holyfield Championship Ring with approximately 21 to 22 diamonds on it." And, no, this didn't happen at Holyfield's home.

LAST CALL: It was closing time at an East Atlanta watering hole when a manager found a 31-year-old Alabama man just hanging out in the bar's back room where they keep the sound equipment. The manager called for an off-duty police officer to get the guy out, then realized some microphone cables were covered in beer and a speaker was broken and lying on the floor. The manager said he wanted the items replaced or fixed, which would cost about $700. When the officer arrested the guy, he took off running. The officer — plus a backup unit — chased the Alabamamian and forced him to the ground. During the arrest, he allegedly threatened to kill the officer with a knife and said he didn't care what the charges were, because he has great lawyers who could get him out of anything.

BANG YOUR HEAD: On Greenwood Avenue in Virginia-Highland, a man called police to complain about a noisy neighbor who he said wouldn't stop pounding on the walls and on the heater. He said he's complained to the landlord, but, unfortunately, he can't remember what the landlord said about the matter because — or so he told police — he was suffering from food poisoning-related insomnia. Makes sense.

TAXING SMACKDOWN: Police dealt with a feuding couple on Boulder Park Drive. A woman said she and her boyfriend were arguing over "relationship problems" when he got mad and tore up some W-2 forms. She said she screamed for him to stop, but he kept ripping away, and pushed her in the face. The boyfriend said his girlfriend tore up some of his important papers, and she tried to lock him in the bedroom. Apparently, they have children together and live together. Both the boyfriend and girlfriend went to jail on disorderly conduct charges.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.

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