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Bizarre crimes from Atlanta police reports

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They don't call 'em sexagenarians for nothing. During his security shift at a 10th Street gay bar, a police sergeant encountered a 64-year-old man who got sucker punched for doing a little good, old-fashioned grab-assing. "I went to the lower bar area and located a male who had a laceration to his head," the sergeant wrote. The man explained he'd been throttled on the dance floor by a person he described — ever so specifically — as a younger man with brown hair. And even though the bar was closing, the man insisted his assailant was still inside and he wanted him arrested. The sergeant wrote, "I went back into the bar ... and based on the vague description, was not able to find him," the officer wrote. "I did speak with several exiting patrons who stated that the man who got punched was grabbing a young male's buttocks." Patrons also said the young man warned the older man several times to quit grabbing his fanny.

When the officer couldn't find the old man's transgressor, he got upset and demanded the sergeant's name and badge number. The sergeant said he wrote down his name and informed the man that since he was a sergeant, he didn't have a badge number. Then the man "stated that he knew the Mayor Kasim Reed, and was going to have me fired," the sergeant wrote. "I gave him the address to the City's Office of Professional Standards." Apparently, the gay bar had no video available of the alleged dance-floor smackdown.

WORKING MOM: A man walked into a police precinct and said his 4-year-old daughter was left home alone while her mother allegedly went out hooking. He said his child's mother called him from jail and said she'd been arrested for prostitution and he needed to go get the girl. He immediately went to the mother's home and picked up the child. According to the man, his daughter said, "Mama said not to open the door for anyone."

Police filed a report and advised the man to get in touch with DFCS. Turns out, the child's mother lives in a rooming house on Jonesboro Road.

BURNT LEFTOVERS: At the start of his shift, a local police officer got the keys to a patrol car and proceeded to do a standard search of the vehicle. Along with a couple of nickels, the officer discovered a charred Georgia license plate shoved beneath the passenger seat. He turned it in to police property.

FANCY FABRICATOR: Sometimes trying to lie to the cops makes sense. In this case, not so much. A 51-year-old man called police and said someone had carjacked his grey Chevy Impala. An officer arrived and the man said he and his wife drove to New Town Circle together, then his wife left in a friend's car, so he decided to visit an old friend named "Pop" who lives nearby. He said that as he made his way to Pop's, suddenly a young man appeared out of nowhere and said, "Give me $5 or I will beat your ass." When he refused, the younger guy punched him and stole his car. The man also randomly explained that his wife was in the process of delivering flowers to a widow on Pontiac Place.

An officer knocked on Pop's apartment door. A woman answered and said she didn't know anyone named Pop — and she certainly didn't know the man in front of her, claiming Pop lived there. The man didn't have solid info about his car — no VIN, no license plate number. Then, he spontaneously said his wife isn't really his wife, she's his girlfriend. (And this is relevant how?) An officer got the girlfriend's phone number, called her and tried to confirm the man's story. The girlfriend said she never drove the man anywhere that day, and definitely didn't deliver flowers to any widow. Police arrested the man for falsely reporting a crime.

SIBLING SMACKDOWN: Upon returning from the grocery store, a 20-year-old woman said her brother freaked out, threw a bottle at her — he missed, luckily — and then punched her in the face. Why? Because she didn't buy him any snacks. The brother had left their apartment on Reynolds Drive before police showed up. The woman refused medical attention — but I bet she learned her lesson about not bringing home snacks.

STUPID MOVE OF THE WEEK: At his home on South Colonial Homes Drive, a 36-year-old man said he purchased two Mac computers from a man in a black Mercedes. Once Mac daddy had driven off, the man said he opened the computer boxes and realized they contained nothing but paper. Der.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.

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