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Bizarre crimes from Atlanta police reports

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A 61-year-old woman walked into a Midtown police precinct to report her prepaid debit card and her ATM card missing from her Myrtle Drive apartment. She said in a written statement, "With all the excitement and rushing to get the Christmas decorations for our church, I honestly don't know when or where or how my ATM card came up missing, lost or stolen. More than once I had opened or removed an item from my purse at home and at a couple of stores. My house was a mess with suitcases and Xmas wreaths and other décor to be prepared for my church, but I was pressed for time with the stress of trying to 'beat the clock' so I don't know who to blame or suspect. I'm on a fixed income with a heart condition and other health concerns. This situation has caused me great stress, hurt and anger. My bills are due and everyone is not understanding or patient. I'm willing to take a lie detector test and willing to cooperate in any way because I need my only source of income." A police report was filed.

LITTLE ST. NICK: 'Tis the season for public indecency. Several people told police they saw a man lying on Peachtree Street, sprawled out on a blanket, with his penis exposed. When officers inquired, the 64-year-old man told them his Little Drummer Boy was out because he didn't have a belt to keep his pants up. But when he pulled them up, he didn't even need a belt. Said one officer, "The jeans were a perfect fit." The man was arrested.

WRECK THE HALLS: When she got back from a trip out of town, a 31-year-old Mt. Zion Road resident reported to police that someone had kicked in her apartment door and stole some toys, two Power Wheels and a Playstation 3. But the thieves didn't stop a presents — they made off with her artificial Christmas tree, too.

A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMETH: A 30-year-old man told police that he, his wife and their two kids are living in extended-stay motel near Cheshire Bridge Road. One evening, a man with curly blond hair was yelling as he walked by their room, so he told the man to be quiet because his kids were asleep. A while later, on his way to a gas station to get aspirin for his wife, the man was attacked by the mop-headed malefactor, with a belt with a metal S-hook on the end, no less. When police found the curly haired man, he had lots to tell them. An officer wrote, "While I was transporting the suspect ... he said he was trying to get his girlfriend away from the Bloods gang that was holding her against her will. [He] said he was trying to get his girlfriend off crack and she had $4 million dollars. [He] also told me that I thought he was tweaking on meth, but he was not. [He] said he had never in his life been thinking as clearly as he was today." The curly haired man went to jail on many charges. "I never told him that I thought he was 'tweaking' on meth," the officer noted.

TAKE THIS TREE: A man who probably watched too many Looney Tunes cartoons as a kid was accused of trying to block a police car — with part of a tree. According to an officer, the man allegedly "dragged a tree limb and intentionally placed the tree limb in the path of the patrol car. [He] left the tree limb lying in the roadway as the patrol vehicle approached. [He] looked at the patrol vehicle, dropped the tree limb and took off running." A few minutes later, the officer caught the 28-year-old man. He went to jail on a disorderly conduct charge.

THREE WISE GUYS: When a 29-year-old woman checked on her vacant rental home on Fair Street, she discovered that the place was ransacked. Large appliances were gone — the refrigerator, stove, water heater, and two air-conditioning units — and "copper wire had been ripped from the wall at every outlet and socket in the residence," an officer noted. There were no signs of forced entry, but a neighbor said three local men are known for breaking into homes for copper. Unfortunately, the neighbor only knows their nicknames: "Black," "Sockman" and "Lawnmower Man."

WHO'S NAUGHTY OR NICE? Following a lovers' quarrel, a 22-year-old woman in a grey sweat suit flagged down a police officer on Mt. Zion Road and told him that her girlfriend had punched her. Police took her back to her apartment, where she stood in the doorway, crying, and pointed out her partner, a 26-year-old woman in a white tank top who was sitting on the couch. According to the girlfriend, the fight started because her ex-boyfriend bought her some panties and that pissed off her 22-year-old lady friend. The officer wrote, "I told both ladies how ridiculous this incident sounded, but they assured that they wanted to continue with the story." The partner said they started yelling, things got physical and they both hit each other. "Both parties looked unruly," the officer noted. "[The 22-year-old's] shirt was ripped and I noticed a very light scratch above her lip. [The partner's] shirt looked as if it had been tugged on." Because he couldn't figure out who the primary aggressor was, the officer brought both the women to jail.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.

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