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Bizarre crimes from Atlanta police reports

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So you've already shattered half your New Year's resolutions. We know. You've been bad. And this was supposed to be it – the year you were gonna list all your foibles and turn that shaky life around. The Blotter Diva has assembled some handy-dandy New Year's resolutions that may help our fellow crazies around town. Or at least nudge you into feeling better about your own mild failings.

RESOLUTION NO. 1 -- DON'T VOMIT AND DRIVE: Around 4 a.m. on a Friday, police were running a roadblock near the intersection of Bolton Road and Main Street. The driver of a silver Saturn reportedly tried to elude the roadblock by making a U-turn. Police stopped the car and "this officer observed what appeared to be vomit on the driver's side door and the driver's clothes." Apparently, the driver had barfed on himself. Police asked if he had been drinking. "He stated that he had and was headed home to Douglasville," an officer wrote. "He then was told to exit his vehicle so that this officer could avoid the vomit on the outside of the door." The 22-year-old driver was charged with DUI and trying to elude police.

RESOLUTION NO. 2 -- DON'T PASS OUT IN YOUR CAR: Around 2:30 a.m., police found a woman asleep in a car near Montclair Drive and Palisades Place. Her Honda Accord was in gear and the engine was running, but the car was stopped at a stop sign, an officer noted. "I had to beat on the roof of the vehicle for several minutes with other officers, trying to get her to respond," the officer wrote. "When she did finally wake up, she just looked at me with a daze on her face, drool falling from her mouth, and couldn't comprehend how to open her door." Police eventually got her out of the car. She wasn't making any sense, an officer wrote. "She started off trying to sell me something from Office Depot because she just got a new job with their consumer affairs department. She would just look at me in a drunken stooper [sic]. ... She had no idea where she was or how she got there," the officer wrote. The 23-year-old woman was charged with DUI and blocking an intersection.

RESOLUTION NO. 3 -- DON'T PISS OFF THE NEIGHBORS: A woman said someone smeared human fecal matter on her car window. She believes her next-door neighbors are responsible. Her husband cleaned the window, with no damages to her silver Jeep. Nothing further.

RESOLUTION NO. 4 -- DON'T FORGET TO CHANGE THE LOCKS: On Winton Terrace, a man said while he was out of town, his ex-girlfriend entered his house -- with a key -- and stole some stuff. He said the ex-girlfriend had been living there on and off but they broke up a few weeks ago. Items reported missing are: a treadmill (worth $400), stereo equipment, computer, DVDs, bedding, bottles of wine -- and a sink.

RESOLUTION NO. 5 -- DON'T BE A STUPID DRUG DEALER: "I noticed a red Trailblazer driving on Boynton [Avenue] with two flat tires," an officer wrote. "I turned around and the Trail Blazer immediately pulled into a driveway and the driver ... got out of the driver's seat and proceeded to walk up the street and away from the car." The officer asked him, "What's going on?" Apparently, the man kept walking, so the officer detained him. "He admitted that he had a very small amount of marijuana in his pocket. ... I placed him under arrest." Police searched the Trailblazer and found a paper bag allegedly containing about 160 grams of suspected crack cocaine and powder cocaine in five separate baggie. Another paper bag reportedly contained $22,017 cash. "He said that he purchased the cocaine from an unidentified male three days ago. He said the money belonged to his fiancé [sic]. ... He said she rented the car, but they had an argument and he took the keys and tried to leave, but she flattened two of the tires. He left anyway." The man, age 30, went to jail on numerous charges.

RESOLUTION NO. 6 -- DON'T HANG WITH BAD-BOY MUSICIANS: A 27-year-old woman said two days ago, she met a gentleman known as "Jonathan," and now they were recording music together. She said today, they recorded at a studio on Northside Drive and she fell asleep around 2 a.m. But, she said, when she woke up around 5:30 a.m., Jonathan was gone -- and so was her $200 cash, her prepaid cell phone and her car, a silver Chevy Impala. Jonathan is described as a man about 6 feet tall, 150 pounds and about 25 years old.

RESOLUTION NO. 7 -- DON'T LOSE YOUR BLING: A woman from Athens stayed at a hotel on Peachtree Road. She said she remembered wearing her diamond ring one night -- but the next morning, she couldn't find it. The woman's three-karat diamond and emerald ring is worth about $51,000.

RESOLUTION NO. 8 -- DON'T SPIT: At Underground Atlanta, a woman allegedly damaged about $100 worth of stuff at a bead store. She allegedly tossed items and tried to spit on a female employee. According to the officer's written report, the woman said her name is "Boynce Knowles."

RESOLUTION NO. 9 -- DO SOMETHING CRAZY AND WIND UP IN THE BLOTTER.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.

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