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... Sneak into your neighborhood pool (and not get caught) *



The only thing separating you from the pool is a gate. Think of this situation philosophically: The pool is made for swimming and your body is capable of swimming. Thus, the gate is simply a step on the way to doing what nature intended.

There are various methods to overcome a gate, depending on gate-type.

If the gate belongs to your neighbor, the easiest way through the gate is bringing baked goods to your neighbor's front door. You will be friends because your neighbor loves macaroons and the neighbor will naturally invite you to swim in her pool anytime you like, so long as you bring the macaroons.

If the gate belongs to the city, find another pool. Do not fuck with the city.

If the gate belongs to a nice hotel, wear a business suit over your swimsuit. Order a dry gin martini at the hotel bar. Specify three olives. Casually mention what a stressful business trip this has been, that cutting deals with Tyler Perry can be such a pain sometimes. Announce loudly, "Jeez, I sure would love to get in a swimming pool right now." The bartender will casually overhear your comment and give you very specific directions to the pool. He will offer to have someone bring you a towel, because this is something that cannot wait. You will pay for the martini and leave him a large tip.

If the gate belongs to an apartment complex, sit at the geographically closest neighborhood bar for two hours and buy a draft beer for anyone who sits down next to you. You will meet someone who lives in the apartment complex and wants you to come over and swim right now because the apartment complex has the best pool ever. "Saltwater," the someone will yell at the bar. "You have to try it!" You will offer to bring a case of beer and a carton of cigarettes and the someone will graciously accept and call all of the someone's friends for this big pool party the someone just decided to throw. As the someone types their gate code into the hi-tech keypad, you will commit the code to memory and on Saturdays for the rest of the summer you will call your friends and type these numbers quietly into the keypad before cannonballing into the cold, clear saltwater.

*Editor's note from our legal department: Don't do any of this.

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