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Why did Mr. Right vanish after sex?



I met a guy online at and had the best date I've ever been on. He felt the same way, telling me it was his best date in his 31 years. We decided to go out again the next day. Long story short, we were seeing each other about two to three times a week for a bit over a month. Other than the fact that our schedules weren't really aligned, things were going really well. I have an office job and he worked at a bar sometimes until 3 a.m., never knowing his schedule that week. Either way, we always made time to see each other and it was nice.

When we'd part for the evening, he would text me to see if I got home OK and to say he had a really good time, he was really into me and hoped to see me again soon. I was excited about this and from what he was saying to me I got the feeling he was, too. About a month after our first date, we planned to hang out at his place. It started to get late and he asked me to stay over. I felt comfortable enough so I said yes.

We ended up having sex. Kind of awkward sex, actually. He had a really hard time getting hard and eventually just gave up, saying that he was sorry and it was because he was really tired. The next morning, round two, and everything worked fine. We had breakfast and he told me he'd call me later.

Numerous times trying to call him and no answer. He did text me back the next day after I asked him if I could see him. Plans fell through, however. Numerous more attempts to contact him via text and calls came up fruitless. He returned a couple of my texts and said he was sorry for plans falling through, but eventually he just stopped responding all together. He seemed to be a really nice guy, not just out for sex. So I wonder what was going on? Could the sex have been that bad to where he went from being really into me to not wanting anything to do with me? I haven't had complaints in the past.

— Puzzled

Dear Puzzled,

Your letter made me sad. Your heart is broken in so many places I'm guessing people hear you jingle when you walk by. There's nothing more painful, more soul-wrenching than to know that the love of your life would rather be alone than be with you.

It's easy to wallow in whys. Why did he stop calling you back? Why did he make a U-turn? Why couldn't he get it up? We try to "why" things to death in the hopes that we can put the broken pieces back together. Sure, you can guess at a lot of the reasons why he disappeared after all the loving things he said and did. There are a lot of scenarios you could conjure up, but with few exceptions — very few — there's only one answer to the why in a situation like yours: He's just not that into you.

Everything else is a rationalization that helps you hide from that terrible, gutting, realization of knowing that he thinks a whole lot of nothing is better than a little of your something.

I want to tell you something about men. We're simple creatures. We move toward what we want and away from what we don't. It's a bitter pill, but one that must be swallowed if you're ever to move on.

Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? Email him at Mike Alvear is the author of a line of How To Meet Guys On Facebook and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie.

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