Sex & Vice » The Sexorcist

Are men basically just assholes?



Dear Sexorcist,

Question: I’m a sexy, single, independent, funny, easygoing, outgoing woman. I can always find guys that are interested in me. However, the guys I like always have some shit with them that turns me off later. So I’ve been single for some years now. I’m not being too picky — I have standards and I’ve made adjustments to those standards more than once. What is the problem? Are guys just assholes or what?

— Tired of ManDrama

Dear Tired:

First, a little story. You and your last two boyfriends die in an airplane crash. You’re up in heaven and God’s sitting on the great white throne.

God addresses each of you, one by one, trying to decide who’ll get into heaven. “Boyfriend No. 1,” He says, “What do you believe in?”

Boyfriend No. 1 replies, “Well, I believe that I loved Tired of ManDrama, but that it was Your will that we could not be together. I’ve come to understand that now.”

God thinks for a second and says, “OK, very good. Come and sit at my left.”

God then addresses your next ex: “Boyfriend No. 2, what do you believe in?”

Boyfriend No. 2 replies, “I have failed Tired of ManDrama many times, but I believe in forgiveness. I’ve sinned, but I’ve never held a grudge against her and always hoped she never held one against me.”

God thinks for a second and says, “You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.”

God then addresses you: “Tired of ManDrama, what do you believe in?”

You say, “I believe you’re in my chair.”

My point, and I do have one, is that most dating injuries occur when women like you fall off their egos onto their IQs.

That said, a few disclaimers. I’m assuming your standards aren’t about physical or emotional abuse or cheating. If your dates and boyfriends are crossing serious lines, they deserve the boot and you deserve the props.

HOWEVER. I can tell by your letter that you’re talking about dating misdemeanors, not relationship felonies. That you’re kicking guys to the curb for mildly annoying infractions.

Unfortunately, you are a passionate acolyte of the Church of the All or Nothing. You believe that unless you like everything about the guy you’re dating, he’s not worthy. You believe in perfection. You believe that accepting the negative in the face of the mostly positive is a violation of your standards. The perfectionist mind has a motto: “Acceptance is appeasement. Tolerance is defeat.”

My guess is that you’re like this in every area of life. You’re bitterly disappointed with friends, family, church and bosses, aren’t you? You believe there’s something wrong with everyone. And you know what? You’re right. And you’re no exception.

Instead of fuming about how much men disappoint you, try reflecting on how much you disappoint them with your unrealistic expectation of perfection. And just as importantly, how much love and pleasure you deny yourself because it doesn’t come in a package with your precise specifications.

You’ve got to look at men the way you’d look at a profit and loss statement. You don’t declare bankruptcy because there are losses that came with the profits. As long as you’re getting back more than you’re letting go, you keep the business running.

Use a specific formula to come up with your break-even point. This is done by dividing the gross profit (the fun, excitement, kindness, etc., that you get from him) by the selling price of your standards and multiplying by 100. This gets you your gross profit margin. Then you divide your running costs (frustrations, irritations, etc.) by the gross profit margin to figure out your break-even point.

Anything above the line is profit you can plunge back into the business. If it doesn’t approach the line, close the doors.

That’s how relationships work, woman. You accept the whole because the sum of the good is greater than the sum of the bad.

Start doing some math.

Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at Midtown resident Mike Alvear hosts HBO’s “The Sex Inspectors,” blogs at and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie.

(Photo courtesy jenschapter3/Flickr)

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