Question: Im a sexy, single, independent, funny, easygoing, outgoing woman. I can always find guys that are interested in me. However, the guys I like always have some shit with them that turns me off later. So Ive been single for some years now. Im not being too picky I have standards and Ive made adjustments to those standards more than once. What is the problem? Are guys just assholes or what?
Tired of ManDrama
First, a little story. You and your last two boyfriends die in an airplane crash. Youre up in heaven and Gods sitting on the great white throne.
God addresses each of you, one by one, trying to decide wholl get into heaven. Boyfriend No. 1, He says, What do you believe in?
Boyfriend No. 1 replies, Well, I believe that I loved Tired of ManDrama, but that it was Your will that we could not be together. Ive come to understand that now.
God thinks for a second and says, OK, very good. Come and sit at my left.
God then addresses your next ex: Boyfriend No. 2, what do you believe in?
Boyfriend No. 2 replies, I have failed Tired of ManDrama many times, but I believe in forgiveness. Ive sinned, but Ive never held a grudge against her and always hoped she never held one against me.
God thinks for a second and says, You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.
God then addresses you: Tired of ManDrama, what do you believe in?
You say, I believe youre in my chair.
My point, and I do have one, is that most dating injuries occur when women like you fall off their egos onto their IQs.
That said, a few disclaimers. Im assuming your standards arent about physical or emotional abuse or cheating. If your dates and boyfriends are crossing serious lines, they deserve the boot and you deserve the props.
HOWEVER. I can tell by your letter that youre talking about dating misdemeanors, not relationship felonies. That youre kicking guys to the curb for mildly annoying infractions.
Unfortunately, you are a passionate acolyte of the Church of the All or Nothing. You believe that unless you like everything about the guy youre dating, hes not worthy. You believe in perfection. You believe that accepting the negative in the face of the mostly positive is a violation of your standards. The perfectionist mind has a motto: Acceptance is appeasement. Tolerance is defeat.
My guess is that youre like this in every area of life. Youre bitterly disappointed with friends, family, church and bosses, arent you? You believe theres something wrong with everyone. And you know what? Youre right. And youre no exception.
Instead of fuming about how much men disappoint you, try reflecting on how much you disappoint them with your unrealistic expectation of perfection. And just as importantly, how much love and pleasure you deny yourself because it doesnt come in a package with your precise specifications.
Youve got to look at men the way youd look at a profit and loss statement. You dont declare bankruptcy because there are losses that came with the profits. As long as youre getting back more than youre letting go, you keep the business running.
Use a specific formula to come up with your break-even point. This is done by dividing the gross profit (the fun, excitement, kindness, etc., that you get from him) by the selling price of your standards and multiplying by 100. This gets you your gross profit margin. Then you divide your running costs (frustrations, irritations, etc.) by the gross profit margin to figure out your break-even point.
Anything above the line is profit you can plunge back into the business. If it doesnt approach the line, close the doors.
Thats how relationships work, woman. You accept the whole because the sum of the good is greater than the sum of the bad.
Start doing some math.
Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at email@example.com. Midtown resident Mike Alvear hosts HBOs The Sex Inspectors, blogs at mikealvear.com and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie.
(Photo courtesy jenschapter3/Flickr)